LADIES PAYING BILLS IN PUBLIC IS NOT EMASCULATING HIM

 

images_48I woke up feeling really exhausted. As my morning routine, I tuned in the radio for some music. I flipped though several radio stations and one particular station caught my attention. The conversation was an interesting one. Actually they were talking about something I’ve always wanted to write about at some point in the year.

A lady called in and wanted to get people’s view of what she had experienced a day before. She narrated, “I was in a cab with a co-worker and her boyfriend. When we arrived at our destination, she pulled out some money from her bag and handed over to the boyfriend who then paid it to the cab guy. I was like, does she owe him money? Had they had a conversation before? Does she carry his money? Why didn’t she just hand the money to the driver? When we stepped out, I pulled my co-worker on the side and asked her why she handed him (the boyfriend) the money instead of just giving it to the driver directly? She said that she will be bruising his ego and that she wanted him to feel like a man.”

This is exactly what I have been thinking about. Some few months ago, I was at a restaurant with a male friend (I had offered him coffee) for coffee, the waiter came with the bill and handled it over to him. I stared at him (waiter) but apparently he didn’t notice my ugly stare. My hand was still in the air waiting for him to hand me the bill, as he walked away (I felt maybe I should bring it to his attention) I thought it was not his fault. In our society today, the man is always expected to settle the bill. Any way I let that go.images_46

I think our society is messed up. We have been raised in a society that dictates that a man should prove himself by paying bill or that a man should always pay bills and if he doesn’t he is not a gentleman.  He should settle bills at home, in the supermarket, at the restaurant, at the petrol station, in the bus and in the salon if he has accompanied her.

We have made it a norm. The society has raised the girl child to think that they are not supposed to pay to anything if they are in the company of a man. What if the man doesn’t have money? I talked to a friend about this and he said that he will never let a lady pay for anything in his presence. images_47

Let’s stop with the pretense, sophisticated ego and traditions. Yes traditions dictate that the man should be the lead in everything. But traditions and culture does not make people, people make traditions. Men do not have a money gene.

Masculinity should not be linked with money. As it is now, the economic situation is tough. We cannot afford to have one person catering for everything in and outside the house. Yes a man should be the provider, the bible dictates so. But that does not mean that if the man doesn’t have money and the woman has that she cannot settle the bill. This however, does not mean that a man should leave everything to his woman in the name of; ‘YOU EARN MORE THAT I DO’ or that I don’t have money songs. A man who does not provide for his family loses their respect and doesn’t earn her submission. Have a look at WHY WOMEN DO NOT SUBMIT

If he feels that he has to behave like the guy on the second paragraph, sorry girl his ego is fragile. Girl if you settle bills you do not emasculate him. You are his helper. You are just helping. That’s your family too, it’s your house, they are your children too, it’s your stomach.

I repeat, ladies if you need to hand money to him to pay the bill in public just to save his face, his ego is fragile.

Let’s be civilized! She can also pay bills.

 

 

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DADDY:Before the street lights are on

images_41While packing my bag to leave the office for the day, I heard him say to a colleague, “do I have to go home now, there is traffic and I might get to spend two hours on the road”. He replied, “then let’s get two for the road and by the time we leave, the road will be clear”. I looked at my watch and it was 4:30pm. That was too early, there might be no traffic but even though it might have started building up, by the lapse of two hours he will home before the street lights are on.
Before the street lights are on;
He would have passed by a florist shop and bought her a rose,
images_45He would have helped her in the kitchen,
He would have help them with their homework,
He would have had a conversation with her,images_43
He would have asked her how her day was,
He would have noticed that she looks stressed,
He would have noticed that she has lost weight,
He would have known what was stressing her,
He would have time to correct his children when they start shouting at her and misbehaving,
He would have time to prepare and plan for the family’s expense,
He would have time to plan for a family vacation,
He would have time to tell her how beautiful she was especially during her worst moments,
He would have time to prepare a candle lite dinner with her or taken her out for a romantic dinner,
He would have time for a round table dinner with her and the kids,
images_40He would have ‘daddy in the kitchen’ moments for them,
He would have time to plan a surprise for her,
He would have time to notice the garage door needs to be fixed,
He would have time to notice that the garden needs trimming,
He would have time to play with his children as mama prepares dinner,
He would have time to notice that one of the children has a skin condition and the other had a protein allergy,
He would notice that the youngest has now learnt to speak and her first word was ‘daddy’ because he is always around,
He would notice that the youngest of six months old recognizes his face and presence,
images_44He would have noticed that one of the kids had dyslexia and requires special care and attention because he was helping him with his homework,
He would have noticed that all he ever needed after a hard day’s work was his family,images_42
He would have realized that family is more important.

Merry Christmas! It’s family time!

IF WOMEN WOULD REMEMBER THE PAIN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE SECOND BORNS

IF WOMEN WOULD REMEMBER THE PAIN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE SECOND BORNS

On Sunday the world celebrated mother’s day. I could help but notice everyone on my time line either updated their mother’s photo or wrote something in appreciation to their mothers. I must say they were really touching. I hope of all hopes that we should not be reminded by a calendar date that our mothers should be celebrated and appreciated. But it should be an inbuilt affection that comes out naturally and every minute.  So, today as I was going about my official duties I eves dropped a conversation between a lady of about mid 30s and a gentleman (he sure was) of about mid-40s. images

These words, “if women would remember the pain they would not have second born-s”, that got me thinking. Based on this part of the conversation, you would clearly know the topic of discussion was child birth and labour pains. I have never had a child before but I know people who’ve had. I might not also know the experience or how painful the labour pains are. But based on what I know, it must be a very painful experience. Some say its unexplainable pain that may last close to 8-12hrs.

I talked to one of my collegue (she has a kid) as soon as I entered the office. She told me out like I thought you knew such things. But my face was like a frozen computer screen waiting for her answer and trying to give her the look of I know but I still wanna be told. According to her it’s the worst pain you could ever experience. I felt some groose pumps coming out and thinking I wouldn’t want to experience that. Towards the end of the conversation she told me with an assuring voice, “the moment the child gets out, you forget the pain totally.” It however didn’t make sense but those are the words of someone who has been there. I also inquired around and the answer was the same, you’ll forget the pain immediately.

Anyway, I didn’t intent to talk about child bearing and labour pains. This was just a bridge way to the key point. Come to think about it, if the pain is extreme as ladies will attest to, then why do people have more than one kid? Logically once bitten twice shy or no one would step on a blade twice knowingly. But women do it.  They go through the same painful experience not twice but more and more again. What driving force do they then have? Ask one, and you’ll get the best answer.

After a long time of wrestling with my brain I thought why can’t we put the same driving force to the things we encounter daily that we would sometime think I wouldn’t walk that road again?  And often say phrases like catch me dead. You try out something that drained your  bank account, you lost a job that you had dedicated your  whole life time in, you tried out a partnership that did nothing but created a whole chain of bitterness and hatred with the people you trusted, your marriage failed and it was his or her fault and vowed not to get married again, you have repeated an exam for that six times and paid for the same six times and every other situation that made you experience a unbearable pain that you wouldn’t want to go through again. Your story is always about the rain and floods, destruction, downfall and the family.

It was or is very painful but that should not hinder you from getting a second born. That should not be the reason you wouldn’t want to try again. Imagine (especially if you are not a first born) if your mom remembered the labour pain she experienced, then you wouldn’t be here today. What did she do? She forgot the pain and got another child. The experience of a woman in labour is no different from that situation you are facing.

You gotta pick yourself shake the dust off and get going. God hasn’t promised that there won’t be fire on your path walk to success but He promises to preserve you in the fire. Get up now!

LETTER TO MY MR.

imagesimagesI have been staring at a blank page for two days now, trying to think what to put down on paper. But I now got an inspiration- from a good friend. Marriage is not a shot in the dark or a matter to the whim and caprice of fact. It is an institution that the visualized way before meeting the compatible rib. This may not make sense because I don’t know you yet but I am sure when I met you it sure will. We may have met by now but we don’t know our ending. Sometimes I think you are taking too long to introduce yourself. But then again, I know God is preparing me and you before we bump into each other on the streets or when I open that door and It hits you on the for head or cause your phone or files to fall and break. And I know when you bend to pick them up we will see each other eye to eye. I know you will know me and I will know you but probably you will be dumbfound or I may be and its okey. Oh, It may sound as though it’s a fairytale but I am convinced beyond reasonable doubt that my dreams are valid. I know as I wait you are in a journey with God. And when you get impatient don’t give up on me. Just know that God is refining me to be that Proverb 31 woman you asked for.
However, if we have met already by now you know I may be stubborn and a little too awesome. That’s ..me. Often I don’t take no for an answer and have other faults that I don’t wanna mention here. I also know that you have your faults too. That’s human. Forgive me if I fail. Be patient with my faults. I don’t want a perfect man with a six pack or one like the guy in the Fresh Fry or Nivea advert but one we complement each other. One when I am at my worse he still brings out the best part of me. One who will love me for who me. I know God will give me the grace when He introduces you to me. I will wait for you more than the watchmen wait for the morning. And when we finally met…..
When we met, I want to love you with the love of God. I want my heart to be so lost in His love that when our hearts meet they are one in Him. I know you are so lost in Him and the only reason you will open your eyes, its ‘cause He has told you I am there by your side. Your happiness and that of our children will be my priority. I am flesh of your flesh, borne of your borne and when we met we shall be interlocked into indivisible atom. We will speak the same language, have the same vision, mission and goal. When we come together we will be one; one heart, one body and one mind.
I can see every reflection of this letter. This is not a wish, it’s a reality that will come true with time. I see you in a monkey suit waiting for me down the aisle. With a smile I have never seen before. My heart is not beating fast and my nerves are calm. I am convinced that this is right ‘cause of the peace I feel. Your smile attracts me more and I feel like telling the pastor to skip to the end. My folks trust you and my friends have no doubt about your intention. I know this is right ‘cause I spoke to Him this morning and He assured me it is. I feel like singing it is well with my soul but I know the choir will. I already see our children playing outside our house with mud all over there cloths. You join them and play one or two as I get busy in the kitchen. I see them grow and when she introduces her Mr. right, your heart sinks. You can’t imagine that she will be in another man’s hands.
I understand your plight. That’s what my daddy felt when he gave me to you. But it’s gonna be okey. I know our daughter and I have prayed for her. And when our son brings that lady home, I can tell that you are at peace. You are proud of him as he is doing what you’ve taught him. And moreso, that our family will increase. Even with our grey hair the spark is still the same. We took back and say this far it’s the Lord. I know marriage is not an easy sail but with God at the center of it all WE ARE GONNA MAKE IT!
Unfortunately my mind is not set now to meet you. My present mind is not according to His will. I have a lot of things to deal with. I have things am getting rid of. Please mention this to Him when you talk tonight. I talk to Him daily that He blesses you and keeps you away from harm. I often ask him to whisper your name or something that will give me a hit that, that’s you. But I guess His timing is always the best. And I no longer worry about the time, or that relatives will start asking, “mbona hujatuletea mtu (why haven’t you introduce him yet?).” I know I am not the author of time and I cannot argue with Him. He stopped time in the days of Joshua and He still can do that today.
Finally, my desire and prayer is that I will love you, support you archive your dreams, often tell you ‘baby its gonna be okey’, multiply what you’ve given me, be a good mother to our two kids (hoping you will agree to two), and more importantly a good wife and friend. I will meet you as God has in His plan. I know He has and will always have us in mind. Please don’t give yourself to someone else. When we met I will tell you how I have fallen in the hands of other thinking that’s you, how I have been thinking of you, how I have been writing letters to your son and daughter and why I wrote this letter to you. CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOU! UNTIL THEN…
Your, Future wife

FIRST LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

To my little girl,
Dear one, there are things that I want to share with you today – my experiences and thoughts. Read them whenever you feel low and I am sure that you will be able to find new hope through them.
To begin with, I want you to be whatever your heart wishes you to be. Don’t imitate anyone else; remain true to your own self. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not to satisfy other people’s expectations. The world forces us to don masks. Sadly, overtime we begin mistaking these artificial masks for the faces we had hidden in the past. Don’t let this happen to you!
Always remember that no one owes you anything. If someone loves you, it is because there is something special in you that touched their hearts and brought them immense joy. As you grow older still, persistently try to find in you that special something and through recognizing and appreciating it, allow it to grow so that more love and friendship come your way.
The world is a beautiful place but often a few things can make it seem harsh. God’s temple is made of love. It is man’s temple that is built of stones. Open your heart to goodness. No matter what happens, don’t let negative people or thoughts take hold of you. The choice between being an optimist or a pessimist will remain right there in front of you. Choose one, choose wisely!
Don’t let the child in you die. As long as you nurture this child within you, you will find happiness and joy in life.
There is a purpose in everything and everyone that comes into your life. Whatever experiences fall your way, strive to find the purpose behind them. Find the space in your heart and mind to learn a new lesson from every purpose. If you find yourself close to failing at what you started out to do, don’t hesitate to ask for help from God. One who realizes that he is ignorant is ignorant no more!
My dearest child, I read somewhere that every man’s life is a fairy tale written by God’s fingers. In Jeremiah 29 He says He has good plans for you. He knew you before you were born, He understands what no man can. Don’t be afraid to take everything to HIM in prayers. There will be times in your life when you will think this is not true; you will feel that your life is too hard to be a fairy tale. At that moment, I want you to remember that fairy tales contain wonder and beauty but also a few bad things. Each one contains a jinn, a witch, a cruel queen or king, a monster, a giant, some sort of unpleasantness. The trick is to conquer this evil slowly. But before conquering those external forces, conquer the jinns and monsters hiding in your own heart. Get a grip on the devil inside!
Be bold, be brave and believe in the power of your dreams – the dreams that shine in your lovely eyes like stars will illuminate your way.
ABOVE ALL, know and fear God. Seek first His righteousness and EVERYTHING else shall be added to you. Read Proverbs they will make you wise and guide you. And moreso Chapter 31.
It is true that with every passing day, I will grow older and weaker. A day may come when I will become forgetful. But even then, you with your bright smile, will light up my heart.

Your loving Mother.

WHY WOMEN DO NOT SUBMIT

To clear the air, this is not an extended chapter of Chimamanda’s book ‘We Should All Be Feminist’ nor is it a campaign towards that same goal. This is a recap of bringing to life what has been buried by our society. Yes I agree we are in the 21st century and that the rate of divorce and dislike of the marriage institution is increasing by day. We have forgotten the roots of the problem and have begun to focus more on the dos and don’ts. The very nature of the advises we give people in the counseling and marital classes has left us in want. We have developed an SI Unit and define every marriage according to the norm. How it should be right in the eyes of the society and we end up getting the whole thing wrong.
Why have we forgotten the book of life? The book that ordained this institution! You cannot give what you don’t have. The knowledge of how to live in the institution is in the book of life, the bible. Before saying any word to that sister or brother whose marriage is on the rocks, first look at what the author says. In the book of Ephesians 5:22-33 it’s written, husbands love your wives and wives submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. That’s it! It’s not about how much you earn, how you: dress, talk or a perfect body shape. This is God’s command to us. It’s not a food for thought and there is no other secret to a happy marriage. The man’s role is to love and that of the woman is to submit. We got to know that God hates divorce! This is the SI Unit.
The love and submissiveness of a man and a woman respectively is a cycle. One leads to another and none cannot stand alone. If you sow love you will reap submission and love too. On the contrary you cannot sow hate and expect some miracle or magical happenings of love. So men, grow up how about you lead her with grace instead of trying to control her. If you love her unconditionally just as Christ loved the church she will submit. I know I have never been married but I don’t to be to know what God expects from us. If you love with the love of Christ it’s a guarantee she will submit.
We however have lost the way. You will hear women say “well I’m not submitting to anybody’ and their counter parts will say “ women don’t submit anymore’ this has lead to a disconnect in the institution. We compete to be superior to one another and have forgotten our role as the head and the neck. Marriage is not a survival for the fittest contest. It is an institution ordained by God and there are rules to it. Allow him to LEAD AND TRUST his directions.
But leading does not mean being a control freak. It means setting an example. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. We also have to move and adopt we the evolving world. The modern woman is not only raised to get married and bear children. She is raised to be independent, have a mind of her own, dynamic and have an equal standing in the corporate and competitive world. I can say this to the roof tops! We are as busy as men trying to make ends meet but we still haven’t forgotten that we need to be wives and mothers once we enter that door. But we can forget if he diggers it. If he is not loving and understanding we will forget. We will start to fight for an equal right basis in terms of who will do the dishes, wash cloths and pick the kids.
Therefore men have to EARN SUBNISSION. She will not try that submission thing probably with a boy posing as a man who manifests himself as an unreliable, irresponsible and unfaithful person. I know that sounded harsh but that’s the truth. If you got out drink yourself silly, soak your cloths, never pay rent and come home at the wee hours of the morning and probably give her a beating. Do you honestly deserve that respect? I am sorry she is human. We should not hide under the umbrella of Christianity until we forget that we are both humans. God does not expect that from us. He says there is time for everything and He doesn’t like hypocrisy.
If you say women are not submitting yet they wear a ragtag Christians, have you sat to think of the reason? Where you gone wrong? I will tell you, it’s ‘cause you are not showing her love full stop. Below is a check list for you to earn submission;
a) LOVE HER. This entails unconditional love highlighted in 1st Corinthians 13:5. Love her as Christ loved the church and gave up himself for her. Love her as yourself. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated their own body. Can you hate or hurt yourself?
b) DEPENDABILITY. Are you always there when she needs you? She needs a friend, a husband and a father to her children. Are you that to her? You can’t be there SOMETIMES; you have to be there ALWAYS. You need to be there physically and emotionally. She needs to have an assurance that you are her number one cheer leader.
c) PROVIDER. I respect all those men who do all they can to retain their position as the provider. It doesn’t matter if she earns more that you. Just get out of that bed and bring home some milk or sugar. You will be respected in the society and in your house.
d) HUMILITY. You must be humble enough to know the limits of your ability. Your humility will let her know that you won’t take her down a path of destruction because you know when to say, “baby I need help”.
Finally, you married her because you loved her. And she agreed to marry you ‘cause in your eyes she saw someone who loved her. Your wish is to see your children and grand children and to grow old together still with the same same spark you had when you first saw her. This is what God wishes for us and that’s why we should live in accordance to His word. He means the best for us, a prosperity in life. Go and be the person he/she fell in love with.

CHECK LIST FOR THE SINGLES

Saw this and thought i could share…CHECK LIST FOR THE SINGLES

If you are single, there are fundamental guidelines you need to work with, otherwise you will be caught in an endless and futile search. Here goes:

Don’t just marry someone because they made a good impression on stage. Marriage is not about a performance, it’s a lifetime commitment. Courtship should help unpack his/her character, and if you are in a serious relationship, avoid pre-marital sex. This weakens the foundation of trust in the relationship and makes break up painful; creating soul ties and wounds that are hard to heal.

If you are a man, the principle thing to look out in a woman is inner beauty (character, two fold-inner beauty and outer beauty).

The woman should be open to love and receive love, focused and complete as an individual. Completeness has to do with satisfaction with who they are physical looks, giftings and a healthy concept of self.

Many single men, in most cases are attracted by looks. Whereas we cannot rule out the physical, a woman`s beauty is character. The externals can change due to child bearing or the ageing process. So beyond the physical, take time to learn her interests, hobbies, outlook on life, faith and so forth.

For the single woman, be the best you can be, celebrate your womanhood. If you value yourself and respect your being, you will not remain in relationships that invalidate your worth. Such relationships are abusive – verbal and physical, conflict perpetuated or for sexual exploitation.

If you are a woman, go for a man who is his own man as opposed to a ‘mama’s’ boy. Men are to provide male leadership in the relationship, possess a vision for life. A disorderly man should work out his maladaptive behaviour and not wait for his future wife to organise him.

If he has no source of income, how will he take care of you? Let him first get a job or something constructive out there. Unless of course you want him to move in to your apartment after you are married, and you take care of the bills. Even where a man has lost a job, he should not be holding a remote control the whole day. He should be out there, fighting out for opportunities.

Some women desire a certain physique from the man, maybe he should be muscular, may be six feet tall.  Whereas muscles can be built in the gym, beware character is what makes a person. If he cheats on you and you are not married, don’t expect him to change when married. People become more of who they are in courtship as they move to marriage. Remember these sayings `True love waits` and ‘all that glitters is not gold.’